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That deep dark

One of the things that I often say is that you cannot generalise depression. My experience with depression may be completely different from yours. There are always different reasons, different outcomes. I will, however, tell you about a feeling that depression caused myself and many of my friends to feel; hopelessness.

In my deepest depression, I couldn’t see a future, I couldn’t see past the minute I was living in and how I wanted to end it all. The only reason, however, of why I wanted to end it all was to stop being such a sad low nuisance to those around me. It wasn’t the ease my pain, I didn’t care about the pain, the loneliness, all I wanted to do was stop people worrying about me and the only way I could do this (in m very ill mind) was to die. It felt as if I was submerged in never-ending darkness; it wasn’t a choice, and it really wasn’t something I could snap out of. Depression is an illness so for everyone there suffering, or trying to understand it, it’s not easy to get better but you can get better.

At my darkest, I wrote and drew lots of stories about fire and light. I wrote stories of the darkness and how I felt blind. Depression made me blind to the joys of life. It’s described as a black dog that follows you around like a loyal servant but I think it’s more like a black fog. It’s a fog that clouds your judgement, blinds you, suffocates you. Depression isn’t an easy thing to live with.

Now I see, that what I needed to do was get better. And as soon as I started being able to make future plans I knew I was on my way to recovery. My point is, If you’re feeling this hopelessness I described, it does get better. You start being able to see a future, you can make plans and look forward to things. I know it’s hard to imagine right now but everyone has a future. Don’t rob your future due to someone else’s idiocy. Depression is an illness and it’s a hard process to get better, but I promise you when you look back on your dark period (a friend of mine described it as the Deep Dark and I think that’s quite fitting) you will be glad you didn’t succeed in any suicide attempts.

Stay strong.

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